Thoughts from the elevator
I’ve gotten into a rhythm of doing these each month and man, it makes the months tick by.
Quick aside here to diffuse any of you calling me out on a lie right now…we’ve had some trouble with the blog and it automatically emailing all of you who have subscribed when there is an update. In fact, I discovered last week that the one I posted at the end of March / 1st of April never made it to anyone 😂. So I’m not even sure if or when you will see this. BUT, despite the somewhat sad / pathetic / discouraging (pick your favorite adjective) feeling of writing to for someone but knowing they may never see it, I am choosing to plow forward - readers or no readers, ha.
Okay, I did lie about the quick part, but one more aside. If you made it here, go back and check out the last post titled He Can. There are some cute pictures, if nothing else.
Alright, back to the business of talking to myself. This is now three straight months of blogs without any medical updates to share for Jennings. For those scoring at home, that there is what they call a winning streak. Even with the lack of medical appointments, we have been able to keep ourselves plenty busy.
These are just from spring break, which we had here the week after Easter. Left to right from the top, that’s Smally Bear and Caroline at our friendly neighborhood tattoo parlor - I’ll leave you hanging there; some cousin love oldest to youngest after the Easter egg hunt; the usual Palmer family Easter Sunday pic; Caroline indoor rock climbing at one of the cousin’s birthday parties - a fun-for-the-whole-family activity I never would have thought to try; Jennings turning 8!!; and daytime Mario movie courtesy of Mommy.
After the spring break fun, L and I celebrated 13 years and then took Caroline on a slightly belated 10th birthday trip to celebrate that milestone. It was a special time to celebrate her on her own. We went to Colonial Williamsburg for a long weekend - C loves history and has been learning about the American Revolution this year, and Lauren has some nostalgic memories there from her childhood that were fun to share. 👇
The top two below are Lauren & I - then and now. I think we make 13 years of marriage look alright. The two below that are how to test 13 years of marriage to see if it really is alright - do-it-(mostly)yourself home renovation project in the most frequently used area of the house. It’s going swimmingly. What? No, I meant both. Yes, the marriage and the project.
And there you have what a I meant by “plenty busy.”
As I sit here trying to corral my thoughts into words on this page, I’m staring into said kitchen. It sits in varying stages of existence - parts are untouched that will remain untouched, some things have just been started, a couple items are somewhere in the middle, and maybe one or two are almost finished. It’s a microcosm of life right now. Work is in a busy time right now. We are in the midst of spring sports and activities. We are coming off of a full April with family in town and traveling. Oh, and did I mention the kitchen project?
Lauren and I both operate at a high pace. There is a part of us that thrives in that environment. But inevitably that pace, combined with circumstances, leads to us biting off more than we can chew while maintaining order and control. Our high functioning at a fast pace quickly turns into us feeling overwhelmed and struggling to tread water. I’d say that’s where we are.
This is hitting me in two ways. The first is that I can just look back and see how much work God has done on us in this area. We have both grown so much in our ability to find grace, to trust God in the midst of those feelings. For me, it looks a lot like taking a lot of pauses for short prayers and self-talk. Remembering what He has done. Reminding myself of His grace for me. Knowing that this is still a big area of struggle for me - and this is His way of continuing to work that. And remembering that it is just todays or this week’s or this month’s circumstances - they too shall pass.
The second way is that we are continuing to find ourselves fully immersed in “normal” life - almost completely removed from pediatric cancer life. We have put more things on our plate than we can manage. Just that fact alone says that we are making that transition. But the fact that some of those things are longer-term, more forward-looking only further cements it. This has not been an unconscious drift; we are often very aware of this transition that we are making. I go back to the analogy I used several months ago. We are on an elevator of time taking us further and further from that period of life where we had a child with a life-threatening illness. As we get higher and higher on that elevator, we give into the temptation to look down and the realization of how hard and painful that fall would be washes over us.
We are high up, and I think we are holding our own managing that tension. The tension of not letting the fear of “what if’s” rob us of todays but also not living so blissfully ignorant that we think the tomorrows are guaranteed.
Jennings and Lauren go back to Memphis in about two weeks. The streak will come to an end. This will be his official 2nd annual post-BMT follow up. His first labs and chimerism check in many months. The first peak into his bone marrow in over a year. Please pray for all good results and continue to pray for his ultimate healing from AML. This will be an especially tempting week to be looking down.
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” Isaiah 26:3-4
#allinforjennings