Where to Look
Here we are, in the final stretch of summer. We backloaded this one with a couple trips at the end, so we are still looking forward to those. A way to hopefully beat the dog days. It doesn’t hurt that they are both to a couple of our favorite places. First up is Manteo, a place we have been blessed to go to, courtesy of our dear friends, for so many years in a row that it has become synonymous with summer. The next one is OIB the last week before school starts. 😬 We did it last summer and loved the house so much we snagged it again…the only catch being it had to be the same week. Even though it means a crazy 24 hours getting ready for the first day of school, it really does help us squeeze every last drop out of summer…in a “don’t let your Mondays ruin your Sundays” kinda way.
I shared last time that we were having a good one…summer that is. That was through June and July did not disappoint. We only logged one trip to the doctor, which is not bad in a month with four young kids. It was dual purpose - checking to make sure Jennings’s ears cleared up after the antibiotics and confirming that Smally had swimmer’s ear. Here’s a few of the more fun stuff 👇
Left to right, top to bottom: the pool with friends is a summer staple (as are peace signs in most of our photos); cooling off with ice cream; took J to a Knights game and they happened to be playing the Memphis Redbirds!…Homer commemorated it by dressing as the kitar man; Sturnbridge 4th of July parade; a date night!; and we had a garage sale and bribed the kids with popsicles not to scare away our customers. Quick aside on the ice cream picture - it was my idea to go in the first place, which does not happen everyday (spontaneity is not my strong suit). Then, it just so happened to be National Ice Cream Day which meant the kids got those giant waffle cones for free. And then, while we were checking out, a train went by outside which meant we got 50% our total!
We also took a weekend trip up to the mountains. We went with my parents to a cabin I first started going to when I was in the single digits. Our next door neighbors, who were like family to my parents, owned it and built it. Their family still has it and still lets my parents use it. It’s one of those places where you know all the sights, sounds, smells, and it all comes rushing back as soon as you arrive. It was only my second time being there in over ten years and the kids’ first time there. They seemed to love it as much as I did when I was their ages, which only made me love it more.
We got back last week and by Tuesday, I was in a tough spot. It came on me pretty much like I just laid it on you. Out of nowhere, no transition. Wham!
There were external stressors that week that no doubt contributed to my mental state, but I was having anxiety-ridden thoughts and for the better part of three days they were right there, just below the surface. It won’t make complete sense as I try to write it out on this page, partly because very little of what makes it on here does, and partly because it was irrational. It felt like we were on this inevitable path to another relapse for Jennings. I even just had to delete and reword that last sentence - it read as if it was a foregone conclusion.
I was thinking about what a great summer we were having and my mind went right back to summer 2020. We had such a good summer that year. It was COVID so we spent so much time together at home as a family with the kids running and playing and being crazy in the backyard. Then I remembered that the last time I was at the cabin was at the end of the summer in 2020 for my birthday and we’re talking about doing that again this year. That was just a couple months before the AML came back.
From there, my mind started grabbing random bits of circumstances and occurrences and was making totally unfounded connections with them. In that same span of days, a podcast came across my feed about overcoming the death of a child, who, as it turned out, had two BMTs. All of this was unfolding in my mind during a week where we were super busy and Lauren & I were basically ships passing in the night.
Finally, on Friday night, we got the chance to sit down and talk about it. She listened so well and I felt relief just with her knowing. Then Sunday, we heard a word from a guest pastor at our church. His main idea was “raise your gaze.” It really hit home. We are all broken, and therefore, perceive the world and our circumstances and our role in them in a broken way. And even if we could evaluate perfectly, we are limited beings bound by time and space. We are not omniscient and do not have foreknowledge of all things to come.
It helped me realize I need to spend less time looking around and looking in myself, and more time looking up. And as I look up, whether it’s in a season of pain or suffering or anxiety and / or joy, I would do well to remember what God has done - in my life, throughout history, and for all who place their faith in Him. Who does God say that I am? What has He done for me? What does He promise to do for me?
That Friday night, L pointed out to me, “You know, we had a good summer last year.”
“You know what,” I remembered, “we did.” God gave us that. I hope and pray we have another one next year. And after I pray that prayer, I’ll try to remember to look up, live the day in front of me, and seek the joy.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34
#allinforjennings