We’re Going on a Bear Hunt

Hi friends. It’s Lauren here. It has been some time since I’ve written. I always have the desire to, but so often I feel tired at the thought of trying to write down all my thoughts and feelings. I am so thankful Joel has the energy and gifted ability to keep everyone updated so clearly on the daily medical updates- it is such a gift. I want to get the updates out there- but don’t have the energy to do it myself. Plus I can’t always plainly recall all the details that he does. Very grateful for his updates to all of you.

The last few months have been a sweet, painful blur as we’ve yet again been thrust into this life. I’ve re-entered my role as half sick kid Mom and half healthy kid Mom. A role I was hoping I’d never have to juggle again. I am honored and proud to care for my son who needs me, but I feel so very stretched  and sometimes even frozen at what to prioritize next because there are so many priorities.  I feel as though I hover over each responsibility and step into it a little, but never take the deep dive that I want to. I’m never fully focused on one task or one child- always simultaneously thinking of everything and everyone when I really so desperately just want to focus on my sick child- or better yet- that he would not even be sick. In the last few months I’ve tried to understand treatment options, medical results, been separated from my son and husband for a long period of time, been separated from my other children for a long period of time, organized a long term temporary move and executed on the plan for the long term temporary move. I’ve been held up by friends & family stepping in in various ways to help me so that I can try my best to wear all the hats I have to wear. I’m thankful we are all settled here now, and can breath a little. At least until we move again in a couple weeks! Ha! Yes, I think I’ll be onboarding a nanny, moving and admitting my son for his second bone marrow transplant in the same week. That’s also the week my husband is playing the crucial role of bone marrow donor so he will be a little busy. I don’t get to wave the white flag though, there is no surrendering in this fight. You just keep walking through the mud. There is a well known children’s book: We’re Going on a Bear Hunt. I’m sure you know it. When I was reading it to the kids a few weeks back I found myself wondering if the author meant it to be a metaphorical story on suffering. “We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we’ve got to go THROUGH IT!” Here we are, going through it. Again, there is no other option.

Despite how difficult this is, I am grateful not to have newborn twins and have my physical body to count on. The last time I was in a state of physical recovery and I had two babies to care for. It was all too much, to say the very least. This time, it’s physically much easier on me but emotionally it is significantly heavier. Hope is not gone but it’s a bit dimmer. I’m a lot more knowledgeable and sometimes the knowledge and statistics can be my mental enemy. I often go through long states of peace/denial/living in the moment and then all of a sudden something will remind me of Jennings’ reality and the breath comes out of me as I think about possible outcomes. This comes at any given moment and usually I have to suppress it because I have a 3 year old or two asking me to watch their newest trick or see them twirl in their Elsa dress. I never really get to sit with my thoughts too long- which is a gift and a curse. I do have an amazing counselor who I talk to every other week as our busy schedule allows me, and that’s a helpful time to sit and verbally process all of my thoughts.

I’ve been so burdened for Caroline lately- simply because of the state of our world with Covid and now her brother’s relapse & treatment. For me, her doing virtual school while here in Memphis was really not an option for her well being. She had adapted to it pretty well pre-relapse but now she is in a new town without her normal friends or grandparents and her parents are distracted with medical matters. I knew she needed a place to go, a routine to have, so I’m thankful that she is going to be able to go to a well known private school here in Memphis. I am hopeful she will be loved, cared for and challenged to a degree that isn’t too much for her. Will you pray that for her? I’m so happy we were able to make a way for her to go there. It is an all girls school, which is common here in Memphis. She is very excited about that!

Jennings had appointments today and it was one of the days I got to take him. I love our days together- even if it’s for clinic visits because 1:1 time is non existent at home. I cherish the time we get to walk hand in hand around the St. Jude campus and I pray silently on our walks that I’ll bring him here in many years, as a cured young man and me as a woman with a story of hope to offer the families that walk the halls. Today was the first time I had been back in a BMT clinic room. The BMT clinic floor got a beautiful renovation recently and shew, did it need one. It used to be a pretty sorry, depressing floor. It was the old BMT inpatient unit at St. Jude at one time and they repurposed it to use for the BMT clinic. I always hated our long days there last time because the space they had was frankly just a little dark and depressing. It’s much brighter now in the check in area, hallways and common areas and that is such a nice change. The rooms are pretty much the same though and today it was hard to keep my emotions in check while we were there. You see, I want to be in this room for a much different reason, not the one I’m currently in. I want to be bringing my child for healthy kid check ups. I want to be talking about the word “cured”. We were so close. Jennings was moving toward 3 years in remission. If you haven’t relapsed after 3 years, your chances are very small. At 5 years remission, you’re considered cured. Now, the clock starts all over again. Not only is that heavy, but now we have to face transplant and frankly, I’ve been intentionally denying it for weeks. I couldn’t hold back tears as I spoke with one of Jennings’ Nurse Practitioners. Nausea, vomiting, NG tubes, narcotics, Ativan. All part of our conversation & more. It’s all familiar and I know what’s ahead. Jennings is oblivious and I want to rescue him from this pain. I want to rescue myself from it.  I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do it. I WANT TO BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE. But I can’t….remember…..we have to go THROUGH it.

So we continue to step into each day….take what comes…and celebrate what we have now. Now we have Jennings with an appetite, energy, joy.  So we celebrate that- today I did so by taking him to his favorite Memphis candy store and celebrated that he can taste sweetness by throwing all my normal sugar rules out the window and letting him pick a bag of candy with no major rules on how much. He chose Lego candy (duh), candy corn, and tootsie rolls.

I’m not writing as often as Joel but I’ve found that sharing on Instagram is easy, fun and low key for me so I’m doing most of my updating there now so please join me there for Mama’s point of view and daily family happenings. (@lgpalmer)

Please share this blog or instagram with anyone you know who will pray for Jennings and his full healing.

Please continue to pray that Jennings will do as best as he possibly can with this transplant and that his cancer will relent forever. I don’t have a more profound or inspiring way to end this post today. I think I may be hitting a little wall. Not ideal timing since we’re really ramping up now. We need your prayers. Thank you friends.